Note: This is an ARCHIVED entry and does not necessarily reflect how I behave and how I think "today".

Additional note: If you INSIST on experimenting with DPH, start with a VERY VERY low dose, and DO NOT "top up" because the full effects might not kick in for HOURS. The experiences I've had on it were almost fatal, and I had non-stop anxiety attacks (or heart problems?) throughout the day, every day, for WEEKS after.


the other night i took 150ml of dxm/dph solution (cough syrup) and another 30ml of dxm solution. this brought the dose to perhaps 330ml, which is over the recommended newbie dose of 80-200ml.

last week i tried about .. 200ml? of dph only, and had about 3 beers, but i was so exhausted i went straight to sleep. woke up the next day twitching a little.

the night i took this bennylin dry cough original (dxm,dph), and dry cough nondrowsy (dxm) i was also terribly exhausted since i never get any sleep.

i was drinking it quite slowly which is "not recommended" coz it just prolongs the taste and dilutes the effects, but there´s no way i can drink that shit quickly (i´m terrible at downing alcohol also). i got to about the point where i couldn´t drink anymore or i´d throw up because of the taste.

i´ll include some msn logs, only my part of the conversation. we start when brendan asks me how much i´ve taken already...

5:21:25 PM:
100ml

almost immediately after i started sipping it, i already felt changes. the combo of dxm and dph presumeably made this happen (an experience on erowid affirms this). the first effect was that when i moved my head, my perceived vision would lag behind a little. it was cool and felt funky. then it hit me..

5:27:37 PM:
ah god
this
is
just
like
e
i can barely type wetf
do u sway
looool
i do

what followed was a sensation that i would describe similar to xtc, only milder and it only occured in my body - not in my mind. as in, my body felt all buzzy and lovely akin to E, but my mind didn´t feel any different. with E, my mind would be feeling esctatic aswell as my body.

5:28:58 PM:
no mind high like E tho
my hands feel so heavy and so light ast the same time
fuk cba to move oidj

music became too intense/loud

5:32:38 PM:
my music was too loud

i dimmed my lights - walking had become difficult, or weird, and eventually the audio illusions started. at first i wasn´t sure..

5:36:21 PM:
omg
wtf
lol
i thought i eard someones voice
i turnedf everything off
bcubba been my mom
migta been ur song tho

i walked to the front door and back after that, think it was difficult to walk as if i was pretty fucked.

5:44:03 PM:
i souldnt probably have much
if i get fucked so qick for so litle

from now on i experienced various hallucinations, mostly didn´t write anything down because of the effort of it/didn´t care.

i think the first visual weirdness was when i looked inside my syrup bottle and it looked so crazy weird, i just held it up and peered down through the top for ages, then turning it because i thought there was something solid in there, when there wasn´t.

5:52:58 PM:
bren hold up a robo bottle ad look inside
uspasm right
twitvh
legs
spasm
OLOL
SPASM
SPAS,
o god

i remember later a man´s low but detailed voice (don´t think i could quite make out the words, or maybe i could and have forgotten them or didn´t bother to pay attention).

i reached my "taste limit" which meant i couldn´t drink anymore of that bullshit without wanting to vomit (it tastes horrible in large doses fyi).

6:18:00 PM:
im at my limit to drink thats tuff
i just there lloking at our avatars
whcih were trhrobbin to the music
omgh
itriping out lol
i thgouth
apron is trousers an d chad to check

6:25:17 PM:
fick
i m 100% suere t
o poker
to puke
if i hav 1 more sip

6:26:19 PM:
fuckk
i just
put more in my mouth
without thinking
i might puke if i swallow LOL
its sitting in my mouth

6:26:58 PM:
ok
i made it
i gotta fireugr out how to get higher

6:29:53 PM:
wow
fuck
fuck
i keep hearing noises
ok i tink it was from the song some brely audible backing talking

then i was taking a sip of bennylin and holding it in my mouth for a while before i swallowed, otherwise i´d be sick if i done it right away. then suddenly i lost the ability to open my mouth.

6:33:50 PM:
5
the sausage the sausage
i cant opn my muth
brrnfsy i cant opn my mouth aagain
omfg amazing
i put some dxm in anmouth but resufes to swalloe
omg weird, fixed now
my body is auto shutting down more syrup
just then i put it in mouth and closed mouth and cudnt reopen it or chew/move it

my very short term memory was like totally fucked up

6:39:37 PM:
fuck i thought some

6:39:49 PM:
man
timey says: fuck i thought some
what was i about to say

i tried to play some music but would hear audio hallucinations or something weird every so often and it would scare me that perhaps someone (parent etc) had come into the house, so i mostly had music off. i knew it was probably a hallucination or weird noise from a song, but i still had to check incase it WAS my mom, which was possible..

6:46:46 PM:
i hear nonstop woman voices from the corridor outsside
heard
so i had to check if anyone thre
tt was incredible

then visual hallucinations started to occur. i only wrote a small amount in msn because of the sheer effort of doing so, so tons is unwritten.

6:47:52 PM:
keep thinking the light to the left of me fr away is a doorwar to a restaurant ike place
i vns hear voices outside i check..
was sat ther all that time lloking at noth
im scared because u sid itages ages t kick in but i got it right away

i do remember some instances. lights were dimmed.

1. a bottle lid on my desk, i think it was green, and it was bubbling and churning as if some sort of bubbling chemical. it was completely realistic. i think i got closer to see it as a normal lid, then i could sit back and it would start bubbling again.

2. a piece of paper behind the lid. completely realistic. the paper was like a translucent film, and a small hand was reaching out from underneath it, trying to push up through it. it was very spooky and realistic indeed. the paper was stretching outwards as the hand pushed forwards, but could not break through.

3. my monitor, it was very easy to unfocus/focus so my monitor was floating and the background was kind of spaced weirdly behind it, or something.

4. several audio hallucinations, some combined with visual. i could see some of the staff/nurses from work, they would walk up from behind me to my left and stand or sit behind my monitor and talk together. the speach was clear, but i don´t know if i could understand it. it may have been too quiet. at least one occaision i sat up and peered around my monitor to make sure there was no room for anyone to stand/sit (there isn´t).

6:55:22 PM:
i vns hear voices outside i check..

then something weird started to happen..

7:02:59 PM:
fuck
just had a massive spasm
thought i wud die lol the splisecond after it happend
upper body spasm

7:09:19 PM:
yeh but had 1-3 full body spasms

7:11:53 PM:
god
thought there was someone hbehind me
feel so weird

7:18:32 PM:
i a sitting doing nothing

7:24:22 PM:
woah i totaallt zoned out
lol

7:27:02 PM:
someone came in and swapped my towels over osomething
wak
a nurse just walked pas
fuck
im fuckd
gonna check the house
probably just sound from the msuci

7:30:20 PM:
fuck
HOLY FUCK
omg..
i looked at my bottle and it had the lid on and
it was like maggots or cream bubbling out of the bottle
it was SO realistic

7:34:35 PM:
wow
this is unbelievable
i have to keep looking back
just then i heard and felt a person come in the room and stand besie me

7:36:36 PM:
oh
my
god
just then
the visions are crazy just like a dream but ur awake
need more!

7:38:52 PM:
lol im just sitting doing nothing

7:40:45 PM:
2 staff just were attending to someone here

7:43:02 PM:
my god that was spooky
some staff/nurses worked with me briefly
bren
this is fuckedf
i hear voices like "do u want to putX to bed"
and whole cversations
my legs are floating

(note, i work at a nursing home so i was having hallucinations about my work and the people there)

7:47:29 PM:
fuck
rip so hard
im seeingcoworkers etc
shall i continue to drink it==
i stopped for ages
coz was gonna b sick and fort i had a heart attkc

7:49:10 PM:
im just sitting here
lol

7:49:51 PM:
god
so scarey
i looked around and there were clothes dangling
it appears as a pile of garbage

7:54:12 PM:
keep thinking people are in here


then i noticed something really bad was going on...

7:59:55 PM:
bren
i
somethings wrong

8:04:51 PM:
im in silence
bren
i almost fainted
for like 1

8:05:10 PM:
fainting...

8:07:19 PM:
what happened
mlol
yeh
not sure if i shud do anymore
every few mins i have this sensations of heat all my body then i twitch abruptly

8:13:21 PM:
wtf
it fees like its hould b painful?

8:16:46 PM:
soething is rea bad
real bad

8:29:20 PM:
yeh
just laid down
what abot u

8:36:10 PM:
weird
nurse was having conversation the whole time with terry and
someone else and i ust sttting here, when they gfodbye to each other i look and no1 wasd here

8:46:44 PM:
fuck had an illusion but ddidnt realise llol
coz it was abut changing of my shiftfs sso i can get drun k pññlol
bren can you tell me more abou that weird horrible should-b-painful thing pls ?

8:49:49 PM:
brendan
i think itsa heart attack

since a while ago, and for the next 40 minutes or so, i was having symptoms such as pasted below. it was lucky that i noticed this when i did, because i immediately put the syrup to one side and started trying to calm my heartbeat, breath slowly, try to mentally calm my body. i looked on multiple websites and they all said the same thing:

(nhs):

* crushing central chest pain, or mild chest discomfort,
* shortness of breath,
* clammy, sweaty, and grey complexion,
* dizziness,
* nausea and vomiting,

(didn´t notice this but i was already fucked as you know)

* restlessness,

(see above)

* coughing,

don´t think so, not after 1.2 bottles of cough syrup

* a general feeling of being unwell, and
* a frightening sense that one is about to die.

bupa also says "The central chest pain is often described as heaviness, squeezing or crushing.....The pain may be constant, or it may come and go, and feel like pressure, squeezing, or fullness."

The American Heart Association and other medical experts say the body likely will send one or more of these warning signals of a heart attack:

* Uncomfortable pressure, fullness, squeezing or pain in the center of the chest lasting more than a few minutes.
* Pain spreading to the shoulders, neck or arms. The pain may be mild to intense. It may feel like pressure, tightness, burning, or heavy weight. It may be located in the chest, upper abdomen, neck, jaw, or inside the arms or shoulders.

i had this in my arm/s, and in my neck, and later in my forehead (that could have just been headache though). i would describe it as ...yes (scrolls up), as tightness, a bit like mild cramp.

* Chest discomfort with lightheadedness, fainting, sweating, nausea or shortness of breath.
* Anxiety, nervousness and/or cold, sweaty skin.
* Paleness or pallor.
* Increased or irregular heart rate.
* Feeling of impending doom.

8:51:51 PM:
fainting
will lidown
http://www.healthcentral.com/heart-disease/patient-guide-44510-6.html
i have all symptoms

9:22:18 PM:
gonna lie down
its been improving
but honestly i could die any second now=p
no joke

i lay on my bed for ages, with my back propped up on some pillow/maybe the wall, facing straight ahead. i had a phone next to me, and said to myself, i will wait for the next 1-2 palpatitions and gauge whether if are getting better, or stronger and faster. i was about 1 minute away from dialling 999 when the next one came and i decided my condition was indeed improving.

i kept up with the mental effort of trying to relax myself as much as possible. emotionally i was feeling extremely calm, actually. i wasn´t "fearing" impending doom.. i was just thinking, any moment now i might have a full blown heart attack, it will be agony, then i will pass out. if i wake up again i will likely be brain damaged or unable to use a few of my limbs. i was kind of sitting there "serenely", not anxious at all, about the nearest adjective i can use is "serene".. as if it was just a possibility waiting to happen, or to not happen. eventually i was finding myself more and more able to relax or subdue the palpatations (i think), and eventually i went to sleep.

11:54:15 PM:
yes im alive
brendan i was literally
5 minutes away from a heart attack

i shortly went back to sleep and got up at midday to go to work. this evening i contacted the nhs and they phoned me back with an adviser, who basically said i probably just had palpitations and should just contact my GP who can talk in more detail with me.

just after writing this, i spellchecked "palpitations" and realised it is actually an independant condition that does not necessarily lead to heart attacks/is fatal or even particularly dangerous, but i think that if it is severe then it is..

what i believe happened was that the drugs elevated my heart rate (as they are want to do) to a dangerous degree and i experienced severe palpitations and reduced oxygen to my body and brain (fainted or nearly fainted twice). i was very fatiqued due to lack of sleep, and also am physically very unfit.

i have never used xtc in public before because of this and know that i would not be able to cope in a club setting.

all today i have been quite anxious that the palpitations will come back if i do anything stressful (eg walking fast). also, i get very anxious that imagining how i felt last night (how the palpitations felt for example) will stress my body into having them again. i have often had to block out my thoughts by thinking of something else as i feel myself becoming anxious.

i really hope i haven´t done any permanent damage to myself, because this is honestly an awesome drug and i´d like to be able to safely experience it. also i don´t wanna die

=)